The 1st June is World Narcissist Abuse Awareness day, and in that light, I have been sharing information on my social media about how narcissist abuse affects different dynamics.
This is a perfunctory topic for me, as I still heal from the effects of the childhood narcissist abuse I was subjected to and re-learn to navigate the world adopting healthier frameworks for my identity.
The tricky thing about narcissist abuse is how it’s almost invisible. Sure enough, in my childhood, there were ample visible indicators too, leaving a gaping hole in my self-worth. A lot of the phycological trauma developed that I carried into adulthood came from the undistinguishable patterns of being devalued, shamed and controlled – compounded with horrific physical abuse. And all that while, I thought those behaviours were normal, and just part of growing up. The pervasive effect of narcissist abuse is that the victims are almost always left believing that they were deserving of that treatment. It was no different with me.
There’s a complexity in the trauma that develops from childhood. An intricacy I only started to understand when I could fully recognised and accepted my position as a survivor of that kind of abuse. Keep in mind, that my healing journey began before this realization.
Inner-work and personal development became a lifestyle for me many years ago, even before I became a certified Life coach and NLP Practitioner. There were layers of pain, demoralization and sabotaging behaviours I was trying to get to the bottom of. Years into the work, I could put a name to it; “Narcissism abuse”.
With that awareness, came a new dimension to my ongoing personal development, a portal to deeper healing. It offered me a space to remodel my thinking of myself from the core of my identity. I’ve read books, invested in courses and attend support groups to consolidate my personal healing with the work I do.
A few books stand out for me, that have been fundamental to my healing. They are “What happened to you?” by Oprah Winfrey and Dr Bruce Perry, “The Body Keeps The Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Bessel van der Kolk and “Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on The Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery” by Shahida Arabi.
This quote from the latter book mentioned above, sums up the density of childhood trauma: “Repeated trauma in adult life erodes the structure of the personality already formed, but repeated trauma in childhood forms and deforms the personality. The child trapped in an abusive environment is faced with formidable tasks of adaption. She must find a way to preserve a sense of trust in people who are untrustworthy, safety in a situation that is unsafe, control in a situation that is terrifyingly unpredictable, power in a situation of helplessness. Unable to care for or protect herself, she must compensate for the failures of adult care and protection with the only means at her disposal, an immature system of psychological defenses.”– Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence – From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror.
The literature made complete sense, because, until I admitted to my exposure to narcissist abuse, I was working with my behaviours at a superficial level. I wasn’t addressing the root of why I couldn’t emotionally regulate, or the toxic shame I carried with me. I idolized my perpetrator without understanding the trauma-bond formed through rationalizing the abuse and still deeply desiring a connection with my narcissist parent.
I needed to validate and acknowledge the experiences I had with my narcissist parent, because, for years I was conditioned to believe it was my fault or that things “weren’t that bad”.
The healing work is ongoing, I don’t think it ever ends. Not because I’m damaged, but because healing creates a larger space to love from and it enables me to facilitate emotional healing with my clients in more and more meaningful ways.
